Losing a baby
I remember when I was married for about 18 months, I found out I was pregnant. This was a big surprise since we weren’t planning for a baby. It just sort of happened. We were scared and excited at the same time. My stress was high because I didn’t know what to expect. I never had a baby before. What was I supposed to eat? Which vitamins were the right ones to take? I had so many questions. We made sure to go to every doctor’s appointment together.
We loved to hear the baby’s heartbeat! The feeling I felt hearing the heartbeat was so amazing because I knew this was all real. I remember sitting in the doctors office with my husband when I was 18 weeks along. We thought we were waiting forever in the room. I just wanted to hear the heartbeat again! The doctor finally comes in! My heart was beating in excitement. He took out his equipment and put on that jelly on my belly so the wand could move easier. He had an odd look on his face and I realized I wasn’t hearing the baby’s heartbeat. The doctor was moving the wand around everywhere to try and find it. I heard a heartbeat! I asked him, “is that it”? He said, “no, that’s your heartbeat”. I realized that he was trying everything he could to find the heartbeat but there wasn’t one anymore.
We had to go to the ultrasound room so they could confirm my worst fear. The baby was not alive anymore. I completely lost it. I wanted to know how this could happen? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Was God punishing me? My doctor and my nurse were so amazing with me. They were comforting and supportive. My poor husband didn’t know what to do to help me. He was suffering as well but he was keeping it together for my sake.
The doctor took us to his office and called some people. We were just sitting and listening to him. I could not stop thinking that my baby was dead inside of me. I wanted to vomit. He scheduled me for an induction first thing in the morning. I wasn’t able to have a D&C because 18 weeks is too far along and the doctor was worried that I would have too much blood loss. So that night, I had to go home and just try to sleep then go back to the hospital early in the morning. I couldn’t sleep.
I got there in the morning and the nurse took me back. I had to be hooked up to monitors and they double checked to make sure the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. The nurse gave me Pitocin to get my labor started. I was starting to have severe cramping so they offered an epidural. Can you believe all of this? I had to be induced and I had to have an epidural but I did not get to leave the hospital with a baby!
Within a couple of hours, I felt like I peed myself so I called the nurse. The baby was out so the doctor came in and took the baby out. They told us that we could hold the baby if we wanted to. I was too distraught to hold the baby. My husband was able to though. I remember they weren’t able to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl. All I could do was just cry.
The next morning we were able to leave the hospital. I felt so empty inside and I just wanted to die. The next thing that happened was my milk came in. If losing a baby wasn’t bad enough, try being completely engorged to the point that nobody could hug me or I would be in excruciating pain! I had to wear a tight sports bra with an ice pack all day long to get my milk to go away.
My life for the next few months was so difficult. I couldn’t even be home. I just wanted to be somewhere other than my home. My husband was really good for me during that time and he would take me to my moms or my sisters home so I didn’t have to be at my house. I had to take some time off of work because I wasn’t emotionally ok. During my baby-less maternity leave, I was told I needed to go to see a counselor to talk about what I went through.
I’m not really sure if the counselor was helpful or not but I had to go so I went. For weeks, I would just start crying out of nowhere. I couldn’t talk about the baby or else I would cry. My family would walk on eggshells around me because they weren’t allowed to talk about the baby or else I would lose it. It took a long time for me to get over that loss. It took a long time for me to not be so angry as to why this happened to me. I thought that God was punishing me for something that I did so he took my baby away. I realize now that was wrong. He wasn’t punishing me for anything. I learned that God doesn’t give you trials that you can’t handle. At the time I thought there was no way I could deal with that but now I know that trial made me a stronger person. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to have that baby. Most likely, there would be many physical deficits that it was a blessing for that pure baby to be sent back to heaven. I don’t know but I couldn’t blame God anymore.
I wanted to feel emotionally and mentally better so I started to exercise and I had to take medication for anxiety for those attacks I would sometimes have.
That time in my life was very hard but I made it out of the darkness. I am now 11 years past that and I still think of that time sometimes but it doesn’t have the same effect that it did back then. I am not emotional about it anymore. I still wish I knew what sex the baby was. I had a dream a long time ago that it was a girl so I believe that it was a girl.
For those of you who have gone through something like this or are going through it right now, I want you to know that you’ll pull out of this darkness. It is hard for a while and you feel like you’ll never be the same. The truth is, you won’t be the same because you just went through something tragic BUT if you focus on the good things in your life, I promise you will get through it. I found what helped me was keeping myself busy. I exercised a ton, I got into some wood crafting and I started cooking more. Over a few months, the heartache slowly got better.
Keep doing what you’re doing mom. You’ll be ok!
Have you ever been through a situation like this? How did you deal with it? I would love to hear your comments below!