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We were done having kids. Actually, we were pretty dang sure. If you want to read about how we thought we were done, then click on this link and read all about it.
The thought of going through pregnancy again did not sound fun to me at this point in my life.
Anyway, when my husband and I were talking about him getting a vasectomy, we were very prayerful about it. Snipping someone’s jewels isn’t something you take lightly.
During this time of discussing our future plans, I had a very vivid dream that I am not sure I should even talk about. Basically, it made me change my mind a bit about a possible pregnancy and what should be done.
Next thing I knew, two months after that dream I found out I was pregnant. Now, I was definitely stressing out because of the thought that I would start over again with a newborn. After already having three kids who are pretty independent, being scared is a totally normal feeling.
My husband was also pretty nervous about this pregnancy. We already had our hands full with school, activities, etc…
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, the paranoia started. Is the baby ok? Am I going to have a miscarriage? About 12 years ago, I actually did have a missed miscarriage. If you want to know what that is, you can read about it and my experience here.
Eventually, though, we accepted it and started to move on with our daily life as usual. Things were going great. I never get nauseated or anything. Pregnancy is pretty easy for me except for gestational diabetes which I always get.
We went to our first appointment and I was scheduled to be roughly 8 weeks. Everything in the appointment seemed to be ok. There was a fast and strong heartbeat and the baby was measuring about 7.5 weeks so slightly small.
This can also be due to the fact that I did not know the first day of my last menstrual period so I guesstimated.
The next appointment, I was supposed to be almost 12 weeks along. At this in the pregnancy, we were going to do a blood test to check for the sex of the baby and for genetic abnormalities. My husband was really excited about this one because we could know the sex of our baby pretty early on which we were never able to do previously.
While we were at the doctor’s office, it was business as usual. I had to pee in a cup then wait to be called back. I noticed when they took me back that I gained like 20 pounds!! I definitely took advantage of eating since finding out I was pregnant.
So, while we were back in the patient room, the doctor came back to see me and the worst thing happened, he couldn’t see the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine.
He quickly expressed his concern that there was no heartbeat and no fetal movement. He called over to the ultrasound office and had me walk right over and get it 100% confirmed.
The ultrasound tech confirmed what the doctor was thinking. There was no heartbeat, no blood flow, and no movement.
I started to cry which is not something I do very often. I don’t think I am an emotional person. I was thinking, why am I crying? I have three healthy kids! What’s wrong with me?
Thinking about the emotions today kind of upsets me. It’s totally ok that I was crying. Who wouldn’t cry in a situation like this? Pregnancy loss is no joke, whether it’s your first or 5th, its still an emotional situation and you need to process the feelings, however, works best for you.
My heart sank because I’ve been through this before. Read the link I posted up above so you can understand more of what happened.
I could not understand how this could happen to me again 12 years after it happened before. I thought I was in the clear since having my three kids since that incident.
Also, after having that super vivid dream, I thought for sure this pregnancy was supposed to happen. Unfortunately, we lost this baby. I was super sad, still, am sad and I was also super nervous because I had to have a D&C which is surgery and I have never had any type of procedure before.
To say I was scared was an understatement.
Here we were again, twelve years later and suffering another pregnancy loss.
So, why did this have to happen to me again? I don’t understand. Maybe God was trying to test my faith to see if I would actually agree to get pregnant. I truly don’t know.
This time around, the experience of losing my baby was not as bad as the first experience, probably because I wasn’t that far along and I didn’t have to physically be induced.
It’s only been a week since this all happened and I am adjusting ok. I’m not having any pain or any crazy bleeding. I haven’t had time to sit and think about it too much because I’m so busy with my three kids and with being in school for my bachelor’s degree.
My husband has been really supportive and helpful to me during this time.
Now, are you thinking if I will get pregnant again? Well, right now I can’t say for sure. I just barely turned 36 and I know my eggs aren’t in the most optimum condition. Also, 36 is not too old to have a baby, I know that. There are women who are way older than me who are having their first child.
I don’t know what’s going to happen but as I figure things out, I will let you know how things are going and what we decide to do.
There will be a follow-up appointment with my OBGYN next week to see what the tests showed. During the D&C, they did take a sample of the babies’ tissue for testing. We’ll be able to learn exactly what happened which will give us more closure.
Really, I know It wasn’t my fault and I know I didn’t do anything for this to happen to the baby. I do need to hear it from my doctor though so I can feel better about the horrible situation.
Dealing with pregnancy loss is not something I thought I would go through again but this is the cross I have to bear I guess.
Have any of you dealt with pregnancy loss in the past? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments.